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Missing him terribly..

Continued

We had no choice but to shut off life support. His family did not want his organs donated although that's what was on his driver's license. I didn't want to cause any more stress so I declined. Somedays I regret that decision, but in other ways I'm glad. I was able to be with him when his heart beat for the last time.

Never in my worst dreams did I think I would be coming home without him. I never dreampt that I would be raising two little girls who adored him on my own. Life is so cold and empty without him. I feel like the shell of a person, left behind to take care of things until it's my turn. I never imagined the pain could be so intense. I truly understand how people can die of a broken heart.

Now I'm left, dealing with this pain and lots of questions from our oldest daughter. "Why did my daddy get an owie on his head and die?" "Will my daddy be at grandma's for Thanksgiving?" Now I take my children to the cemetary to see their father. No child should ever have to go through this kind of loss.

I struggled for a long time with how I was going to keep going. I wanted to die and be with him more than anything. I realize now that dying is not an option. Our children need me to keep his memory alive. I need my children to keep his memory alive. I thank God every day for our children. They are my reason for living. They are the reason I get out of bed in the morning and cook supper at night. They are the reason I can smile from time to time.

I don't believe this pain will ever go away. I think with time I will just learn to cope with it better. He is the love of my life and my soul mate. I love being at home where I feel his presense. Every room I walk into, I can picture him standing there, smiling at me, making a joke.

I am only beginning to realize how difficult the holidays and the rest of my life will be without him by my side. Again, my children will make me get through it. What choice do I have?

I believe he is here with us, holding us when we cry and laughing with us when we laugh. I anxiously await the day we will be together again for eternity.

I'm 29 years old and have been widowed for 4 months.

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